stuck in a rut

It's really hard to stay motivated and positive in Germany. Most of the time here is waiting to go home. I don't have much going on over here to keep me entertained and I'm in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, so I'm extra unmotivated. I had a 1-2 weeks straight where I had this small burst of energy and felt creative, a little more upbeat and happier but it's seems I've lost it once again. I think part of this is the army's fault for constantly dicking us around and the rest... I think I'm just running low on all my "give a damn" fumes. Something goes wrong here everyday and I think I've just kind of numbed out a lot of the anger towards this stupid base, the army and this country. Whatever. I need a break.

germany=biggest mistake of my life.

Pregnancy Gripes

Okay, sometimes I feel like there is this pressure that you have to happy with every aspect of pregnancy or your a bad mom. I'm here to end that nonsense. There are some uncomfortable things about pregnancy and although Avery isn't here yet, I think I'm going to be a great mom! Here are my top 3 gripes about pregnancy currently.

1. I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant (2 weeks until I'm full term and 5 weeks until my due date!), and feeling like I've been hit by a train. Seriously. My back and hips ache pretty much all day, I'm constantly exhausted, and my legs get all cramped up and tight! Sometimes when I'm walking around I have to remind myself I'm NOT 90 years old. Is it normal to feel 90 years old at the end of a pregnancy? I don't know. I have to admit though, I haven't been keeping up with working out and I'm sure that contributes to my overall uncomfortableness. Oh well. I am going to start getting more exercise in after the baby is born. So long as everything is good and before I can REALLY start working out I'm going to probably take the baby on daily walks. I can't wait! I also cannot wait until I can start running again, or any kind other kind of intense work out. I really want to look better than I did before I was pregnant... hopefully I have the motivation to keep up with this long term goal. It's hard to stick to a work out regimen when you are alone in a foreign country. I need a girl work out buddy and I know I'll have this in Texas.

2. At the end of my second trimester, beginning of my third I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. WAAHHHH. Seriously? Thanks, genetics. I was only a mild form of it, but I was told to watch my carbs and rule out all sugar from my diet. All of it. Like, every last gram. Um, that's hard. Kind of. My carb intake was already well within the limits, so that wasn't a problem. As for sugar, I did have some "sugary" meals and snacks sometimes but I never over did it. Matt doesn't like sweets so we just don't buy the stuff. This kind of made it more frustrating for me to have to reduce even more. I'm pregnant and hormonal, if I want a cookie, give it to me.. hah. Needless to say there were some unnecessary tears about it all from time to time. Sometimes I feel like GD makes a pregnant lady MORE stressed out than she needs to be. I mean if I had a severe case it would be different, but right after I was diagnosed my sugar levels for the past 6 weeks were tested.. and they all came out perfectly normal. That is great and frustrating news at the same time; If everything is normal, why even do this at all? Doesn't normal mean I'm already doing everything right? Maybe I should ask my doctor... oh, wait, I did that. They are German, there is communication issues and although they understand most things, there are something things that just don't connect... Ugh. I seriously wish I had an American doctor (but that is a whole other story). I just wanted to say this, though: I have cheated. Sometimes. Not very badly. But I have. And I'm okay with that! I'm the most paranoid overly protective pregnant lady on the planet I think. I would never do anything to harm my baby and I highly doubt the occasional semi-sweet snack would do anything wrong. And when I say cheat, it's still a slight cheat; I don't go crazy. It just bothers me because I would look up stuff on the internet about it and women would really criticize other women with GD who cheated occasionally. Seriously? It's not like we're doing fucking crack. Lay off. Geez! I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is how I feel about the whole thing. And every time my go to the doctor, he says my baby looks amazing. And in the mean time, I no longer stress about every ounce of sugar.

3. Last pregnant gripe: There are some things you just don't say to a pregnant lady. I'm sure there are MANY things, and I haven't even gotten the worst of it but here are some that bother me: "You look HUGE!" Oh, why thank you.... thanks for reminding me, now I'm going to go analyze my body in the mirror for hours on end. Or, "I don't know, it really looks like a boy to me.." Really? How so? To me it just looks like a pregnant belly and you are not an expert. Plus, all those high/low myths are bullshit. Please don't tell me that, I have bought all girl stuff, all I want is a girl now, and I have no boy names. I don't want to be paranoid about something else.. And last but certainly not least: "Oh just wait until the baby comes, you will REALLY be tired then!" Really? I didn't know that babies wake up in the middle of the night! Thanks for enlightening me. But you're right, I might really be tired then but at least I can breathe normally, walk normally, lay on my back, eat what I want, have a beer if I want, go running, drink coffee, NOT have constant aches and pains, and not feel like a beached whale. Also, I will have my little baby in my arms instead of in my belly. Which is the whole point of pregnancy anyways, isn't it? I feel like women who have had babies before feel like it's their duty to inform pregnant ladies of the lack of sleep they will experience. I don't understand why. It's like telling a marathon runner they are going to get really sweaty. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Okay.. I'm not sure if that was a bad analogy or not but I couldn't think of anything else. Anyways, I just hope I never find myself saying that to anybody. If I do, please slap me.

I was going to write about a lot more things, but, I've already written a lengthy post with no pretty pictures so I think I'll save the rest for later.

dear avery

This is your 29 week ultrasound, it was probably the last time we will get to see your through a machine. This is only good news though, because soon you will be in my arms! Lately, you have really enjoyed my ribs. You like to kick them and have found them to be a nice hang out spot for you. It makes me quite sore! You are getting so big in my belly, you are running out of room. Sometimes I wonder if you are just as uncomfortable as I can get, or if you really like to be snuggled in there tight. Per request of MANY pregnancy books and websites, I usually lay on my left side if I'm laying down. You tend to be more active in the evenings and at night, and when I lay on my left side you kick/punch it a lot! I feel your little feet (or hands?) moving around and it's so interesting. It can keep my entertained for a long time. Sometimes I'll talk to you while you are moving around like that (I talk to you throughout the day, but when you are moving around like that I know you are awake!)... I hope you can hear me and it comforts you. Sometimes your movements aren't kicks or punches, but more like waves drifting across my belly. I wonder if that is you turning around, or doing a flip. I wish I could see what you are doing in there... I'm so curious. We took our hospital tour at the German hospital here where we live... I don't have anything to compare it to from American hospitals because you are my first baby, but I feel pretty good about this hospital and even though your dad and I aren't fond of living in Germany, this place will hold a special spot in my heart because it is where you are going to take your first breath. I can't wait to take you back to Texas though, I want you to be my little Texas baby. Shortly after you are born I'm going to be starting some college courses. I'm kind of nervous about this because I want to make sure that you will be getting all the attention you need.. but everyone assures me newborn babies sleep so much so it should be okay. I'm just afraid I'm not going to want to study, I'm just going to wait to stare at you all day! I have a month before the classes start, so I think I'll be okay. Anticipating your arrival has made think about a lot of things, I want to make sure that your dad and I provide you with everything you need and things you want too! That is why it is important for me to go to school.

At 30 weeks pregnant a friend of mine took some maternity pictures for me. These pictures mark a very significant moment, and I didn't realize it until we took them. This is the time in our lives when our little family went from two to three! I think when I look back on these photos in the future I will remember all the feelings that went through us while waiting for you to arrive. The ending of one chapter and the beginning of another. I get very emotional when thinking about it all. I'm so excited for you to come.

I hope even while snuggled warm inside my belly you feel loved. We love you so much and talk about you all the time. From today, there is exactly 2 months until my due date, and 5-6 weeks until I'm full term. We will meet soon little one!

Love,
Your Mommy

Dear Avery

   It's been a while since I've wrote to you! But if my letters to you mimicked how much you cross my mind they would be WAY off because I definitely think about you all day. Everything with you and this pregnancy is going wonderfully so far. This week we are officially in the third trimester! We've reached the home stretch and you will be in my arms before you know it!

20 weeks

   You are kicking, twisting, rolling, and punching like crazy! I love every single one of your movements and sometimes I just stare at my belly watching your little movements; it makes me laugh because I get so happy and try to imagine what you are doing in there. I cannot wait until you get here but I'm trying to really enjoy every experience with this pregnancy because one day you will be out of my belly and I'll miss having you in there.

20 weeks 4 days

   I really hope I am the best Mom I can possibly be to you. I'm going to try my hardest to make you the happiest little baby.

23 weeks

   My cravings are still relatively the same. Peanut butter, peanut butter, and peanut butter. I also crave Subway occasionally. Other pregnancy symptoms have been a pretty constant backache from all this extra weight I'm carrying, sore and sometimes swollen feet, and it's getting harder to get a good nights rest. All of this is okay though, because it all is a part of making you a healthy baby and I although it can be uncomfortable, I'll take twice as many symptoms if that meant you still were a healthy little baby. Plus, your Daddy has been pretty good at rubbing my back or feet.

24 week 5 days

   Speaking of your Daddy, he loves you so much too! We talk about how life will be when you get here and he tells me how much he loves you and how he can't wait to hold you. He says you two will be best friends. He also talks to you a lot. I can hear it in his voice when he talks to you or about you, how excited he is, and it makes me even more excited.

27 weeks. Third Trimester!

    Our next appointment is coming up in a little over a week and I'm thinking it will be the last time we get to see you before you arrive. We have been lucky with the German doctor here to get an ultrasound at every appointment so far, so it makes me a little sad that I won't see you again after this next appointment, but it also makes me happy because I know that means you are closer to coming out! After this appointment we will be given the go ahead to tour the hospital, meet up with a midwife, and our following appointments will be every 2 weeks instead of every 4. How exciting! We can't wait for you to get here, and I'm already so much in love with you. I know the feeling will only get stronger when you arrive.

Love,
Your Mommy

 

shopping, thrift shopping, school

Since we are staying in Germany for a while longer, I've given into the urge to nest. I've literally been at it for a month, constantly cleaning, changing, and rearranging. Gathering things for baby, such as clothing, rockers, and books... also decorating all around the house, and making big purchases such as new living room couches and FINALLY a dining room table which we have NEVER had (in the 5 years we've been married). I plan to post pictures of the big stuff as soon as we get it looking more like we want it to. I'm really liking the way the house is coming along, and I wish this was something we did a long time ago. Making the house a happy place has really changed my attitude; it's no secret I've gone through bouts of depression while stationed in Germany. I pretty much gave into it and looked at the place we are living in as just a house we are temporarily staying in. I never tired to make it a home... and it was a pretty depressing house. It's funny how much a baby on the way is making things just... happier. I know it my life will completely change once she gets here (it's already changed a lot so far...), and I know it's not easy all of the time, but I'm ready for it!

I've fallen in love with thrift shopping. There is a thrift store on post which I managed to get a good amount of baby girl/pre-toddler clothing (all in wonderful shape) for just a few bucks. I've also purchased clothing items and an AWESOME $25 rocker for the baby that is in great shape at a couple of yard sales. Of course I'm planning on, and already have, purchased some new items and I still need a lot of stuff.... I never buy something that looks worn/old... but I can't pass a good deal! I can't wait until I'm back in Austin and have all the awesome thrift stores it offers at my finger tips. I think I'm getting addicted.

Another change going on in my life is getting back into school... again. I've applied for readmission to the online school I was once going to (before my Germany depression got the best of me and I dropped out), hopefully it will get accepted and I can start classes soon. At this school, I can work at my own pace and classes start every month. I can also try and get as many classes as I want knocked out within a 6 month term. I'm hoping to start May 1st and get a couple of classes knocked out before the baby gets here, then pick back up once I have a schedule down with the baby after she is born. I'll be going for Early Childhood Elementary Education again! I'm so excited.

Thrift find! 25 bucks for this awesome rocker for baby. I'm proud of myself.

Boredom.

This was at 23 weeks. I'm getting big.

The firsts of the baby items I've purchased so far.

change of plans.

We aren't going anywhere. Matt's commander has decided that because of the birth of our baby, and him soon getting out of the army, our best option is for Matt to stay in Germany with me so we can be together as a family. I'm extremely happy that Matt can stay here and be safe, and gets to experience all that is parenting in the coming up months. However, I am a little sad I won't move back to my favorite place on earth (home) as soon as I'd like. I also had to put off school again a little longer, and call off a job interview. The army has really put a dent on my progress with school and feeling independent, and for that I hate it and can't wait until we are out. I put my marriage first, which is the way I believe it should be and I am happy to do so, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm being cheated out of doing stuff for myself. I know this isn't forever though, and soon I'll be able to do all the stuff I want to, with my husband and daughter by my side. Just a little more to go! In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the last stretch of living in Europe with Matt and count down the day until my little munchkin gets here.

The time has come.

I've looked forward to this moment since the day I moved away in 2007. I'm finally moving back home to Austin this month. I've imagined this day being pretty much the best day of my life, and all my worries going away, and nothing but happy times to follow. But, funny thing is, now that it's happening I don't feel that way, at all. I have to leave Matt here in Germany because he will be deploying later, and finishing his army career. I feel like the timing is just off; I want to have my family together. I'd rather stay here and wait it out in Germany than us split. I've been pretty pathetic and get very emotional every time it is brought up, and can NOT bring myself to purchase a ticket yet, ugh. My husband is my other half and I can't imagine having to be without him again. I love being with him everyday and all his quirkiness - and even all the crap that annoys me about him, I love and I'm going to miss. Even now, as I'm sitting here typing this and he is playing video games, he has me rolling in laughter over something we are talking about on the side. He is just so silly. He wasn't supposed to deploy again, and this was sort of a surprise. I always thought the day we left Germany we would be together, high-tailing it out of our little German town, dropping off the car, saying "Fuck you, Germany!", feeling completely ecstatic that we are out of there. Unfortunately, this day is probably going to be filled with tears and blurred vision as I try to find my gate wishing I could just go back to the home I created with him. I'm also extremely sad he will miss the first few months of the babies life, I feel like we won't be able to experience some great and important moments together, bonding as a family. 

However, I know this is all temporary, and he will be back soon - less than a year. I also know this is the last time this ever has to happen and I'm counting down the days until the army is behind us! We hate the military lifestyle. I also AM excited about moving home.... I get to be in sunny warm weather, see my mom everyday, see all of my family, and my best friends, and feel a little more like myself. There is just going to be one HUGE part of my life missing for a little bit.

I just thought I needed to get this out because right now it's something I'm really struggling with, and I just wish I didn't have to think about it anymore. I'm also dreading the 11+ hour flight back home at this stage in my pregnancy.