change of plans.

We aren't going anywhere. Matt's commander has decided that because of the birth of our baby, and him soon getting out of the army, our best option is for Matt to stay in Germany with me so we can be together as a family. I'm extremely happy that Matt can stay here and be safe, and gets to experience all that is parenting in the coming up months. However, I am a little sad I won't move back to my favorite place on earth (home) as soon as I'd like. I also had to put off school again a little longer, and call off a job interview. The army has really put a dent on my progress with school and feeling independent, and for that I hate it and can't wait until we are out. I put my marriage first, which is the way I believe it should be and I am happy to do so, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm being cheated out of doing stuff for myself. I know this isn't forever though, and soon I'll be able to do all the stuff I want to, with my husband and daughter by my side. Just a little more to go! In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the last stretch of living in Europe with Matt and count down the day until my little munchkin gets here.

The time has come.

I've looked forward to this moment since the day I moved away in 2007. I'm finally moving back home to Austin this month. I've imagined this day being pretty much the best day of my life, and all my worries going away, and nothing but happy times to follow. But, funny thing is, now that it's happening I don't feel that way, at all. I have to leave Matt here in Germany because he will be deploying later, and finishing his army career. I feel like the timing is just off; I want to have my family together. I'd rather stay here and wait it out in Germany than us split. I've been pretty pathetic and get very emotional every time it is brought up, and can NOT bring myself to purchase a ticket yet, ugh. My husband is my other half and I can't imagine having to be without him again. I love being with him everyday and all his quirkiness - and even all the crap that annoys me about him, I love and I'm going to miss. Even now, as I'm sitting here typing this and he is playing video games, he has me rolling in laughter over something we are talking about on the side. He is just so silly. He wasn't supposed to deploy again, and this was sort of a surprise. I always thought the day we left Germany we would be together, high-tailing it out of our little German town, dropping off the car, saying "Fuck you, Germany!", feeling completely ecstatic that we are out of there. Unfortunately, this day is probably going to be filled with tears and blurred vision as I try to find my gate wishing I could just go back to the home I created with him. I'm also extremely sad he will miss the first few months of the babies life, I feel like we won't be able to experience some great and important moments together, bonding as a family. 

However, I know this is all temporary, and he will be back soon - less than a year. I also know this is the last time this ever has to happen and I'm counting down the days until the army is behind us! We hate the military lifestyle. I also AM excited about moving home.... I get to be in sunny warm weather, see my mom everyday, see all of my family, and my best friends, and feel a little more like myself. There is just going to be one HUGE part of my life missing for a little bit.

I just thought I needed to get this out because right now it's something I'm really struggling with, and I just wish I didn't have to think about it anymore. I'm also dreading the 11+ hour flight back home at this stage in my pregnancy.