change of plans.

We aren't going anywhere. Matt's commander has decided that because of the birth of our baby, and him soon getting out of the army, our best option is for Matt to stay in Germany with me so we can be together as a family. I'm extremely happy that Matt can stay here and be safe, and gets to experience all that is parenting in the coming up months. However, I am a little sad I won't move back to my favorite place on earth (home) as soon as I'd like. I also had to put off school again a little longer, and call off a job interview. The army has really put a dent on my progress with school and feeling independent, and for that I hate it and can't wait until we are out. I put my marriage first, which is the way I believe it should be and I am happy to do so, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm being cheated out of doing stuff for myself. I know this isn't forever though, and soon I'll be able to do all the stuff I want to, with my husband and daughter by my side. Just a little more to go! In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the last stretch of living in Europe with Matt and count down the day until my little munchkin gets here.

The time has come.

I've looked forward to this moment since the day I moved away in 2007. I'm finally moving back home to Austin this month. I've imagined this day being pretty much the best day of my life, and all my worries going away, and nothing but happy times to follow. But, funny thing is, now that it's happening I don't feel that way, at all. I have to leave Matt here in Germany because he will be deploying later, and finishing his army career. I feel like the timing is just off; I want to have my family together. I'd rather stay here and wait it out in Germany than us split. I've been pretty pathetic and get very emotional every time it is brought up, and can NOT bring myself to purchase a ticket yet, ugh. My husband is my other half and I can't imagine having to be without him again. I love being with him everyday and all his quirkiness - and even all the crap that annoys me about him, I love and I'm going to miss. Even now, as I'm sitting here typing this and he is playing video games, he has me rolling in laughter over something we are talking about on the side. He is just so silly. He wasn't supposed to deploy again, and this was sort of a surprise. I always thought the day we left Germany we would be together, high-tailing it out of our little German town, dropping off the car, saying "Fuck you, Germany!", feeling completely ecstatic that we are out of there. Unfortunately, this day is probably going to be filled with tears and blurred vision as I try to find my gate wishing I could just go back to the home I created with him. I'm also extremely sad he will miss the first few months of the babies life, I feel like we won't be able to experience some great and important moments together, bonding as a family. 

However, I know this is all temporary, and he will be back soon - less than a year. I also know this is the last time this ever has to happen and I'm counting down the days until the army is behind us! We hate the military lifestyle. I also AM excited about moving home.... I get to be in sunny warm weather, see my mom everyday, see all of my family, and my best friends, and feel a little more like myself. There is just going to be one HUGE part of my life missing for a little bit.

I just thought I needed to get this out because right now it's something I'm really struggling with, and I just wish I didn't have to think about it anymore. I'm also dreading the 11+ hour flight back home at this stage in my pregnancy. 

being creative.

Ever since I was a child I loved to draw. I've always been a pretty creative person and remember countless hours doing arts and crafts with my grandmother, by myself, or at school. In high school I took art all the way to my senior year and loved to draw realistic portraits. In fact, somewhere in my old boxes of unpacked crap and childhood memories there is an old folder of portraits of people such as Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison, Conor Oberst, Mary-Kate Olsen (lol), and other random celebs or unknown people. Somewhere along the line in my teen life I decided that partying and my social life was really important and I began to draw less and less until I didn't draw at all and even convinced myself I didn't know how to. This lasted for years. Weird! Well anyways that was along time ago, and I still rarely draw, but now that I'm pregnant the most partying I do consists of take out, sometimes a chocolate bar, and if I'm lucky trivial pursuit with my husband. The other night I got in touch with my creative side once again, and once I started I couldn't stop! The following is a portrait I drew of my baby nephew, Jaxon. It isn't finished yet, but it almost is so I'm posting it anyways.

Since I drew this, I've been wanting to draw even more, so hopefully I've rekindled my love for art and will continue. Drawing this was really relaxing, I just played some music the whole time and was able to just zone out and think about life. I'm pretty happy with it for not having done this in years!

19 weeks.

Tomorrow I'm officially 19 weeks. I think I'm starting to feel some of the first big movements in there. So happy.

Still craving peanut butter!

Dear Baby - 18 weeks

   Today we entered the 18th week of this pregnancy and the bigger you grow, the more exciting it gets. I'm starting to really be able to feel your little prods and kicks every once in a while. I can't wait until they become more consistent, which I've read should happen within the next couple of weeks. I am also so excited to have your Daddy be able to feel the kicks, but that might not happen for another month or so.

16 weeks

18 weeks

          
This week you are the size of a sweet potato! You are my little tater tot! And I love you! 

   It is finally official, the bones in your ears have developed enough so you can totally hear! Right now, you can best hear my heartbeat, but you are also able to hear some things on the outside, like voices and music. A loud noise will startle you - even though I don't want to startle you, I think it's really cute. I've been listening to music all day, for the past 3 days, and now I'm wondering if you can hear it. I want to play you good music all the time so you recognize it and maybe have good taste in music right off the bat! I plan on playing The Beatles and Coldplay a lot for you, just to name a couple.

   My cravings have still been really limited, thank god. I usually crave peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter toast, peanut butter (seeing a pattern here?), fruit, juice, or subway. The past few days I've been feeling a lot more hungry than usual... you are one hungry baby! Sometimes I feel like my stomach is a never ending pit, and sometimes I can barely eat. I still feel like I have no control over my emotions and I will cry at the drop of a hat, or bust out laughing uncontrollably. Stick me in a room with a bunch of pictures of basset hounds running found on pinterest and I'm rolling. Your Daddy has been pretty good at making me laugh and sometimes I worry that I'm shaking you too much! I know it's an irrational fear, but it's something I think about! Last week, I had an emotional meltdown of tears over a jacket of your Daddy's that was lost weeks ago. Why I decided to be upset about it at that moment, I'll never know. Your Daddy probably thinks I'm crazy, sometimes I think the same thing.

My last doctors appointment was at 16 weeks and 5 days. I was counting down the days until this appointment since I found out I was pregnant with you. We received some awesome news! The doctor said he is 80% sure you are a GIRL. We are so excited. Knowing that you are a girl makes all of this more real to us. I try to imagine what you will look like, all the fun things we will do, and you and your Daddy at father daughter dances. I. Can't. Wait. I think we have settled on a name but I'm not ready to announce it just yet. I'm not 100% positive it's YOUR name, and I want to make sure first. I've already bought you some cute girl clothes I can't wait to dress you in.

Your Daddy talks to you everyday and he always rubs my belly and tells me he can't wait to see you and hold you. He says you better hurry up and come out! I have to quickly correct him, I don't want you to hurry up! You aren't ready yet! But, the good news is we've made it 1/2 way through this pregnancy. HOORAY!

We can't wait to meet you. I day dream about holding your little body, giving you tons of hugs and kisses, playing with you, and teaching you everything. We love you so much.

Love,
Your Mommy

Winter Wonderland

Last week our little German town experienced the first snow of the winter that actually stuck to the ground. Although I loathe the snow and cold weather, I always enjoy the first snow of the season. Matt and I had a pretty relaxing weekend at home, which was great, and I was pleased. He stayed home with me all weekend and we watched movies and TV shows. We also took a stroll down a trail in the woods to enjoy the snow, and I took some pictures.

Dear BABY

Dear Baby,

   It has been almost 14 weeks since you officially entered our lives, but the thought of you has been floating around me and your dads head for much longer. Even before that, I have always dreamt of you since I was a little girl. It is safe to say, you are and will continue to be, very loved. We still don't know if you are a boy or a girl, and the anticipation is killing us! We are going to have so much fun with you, and together the three of us will share a tremendous amount of love.

6 weeks

   In the mornings and at night time your daddy gets really close to my belly, rubs it and talks to you, to let you know you are loved and so hopefully you can begin to recognize his voice. He says things like "Good Morning little one, this is your daddy", and it fills my insides up with happiness because those simple words sound so sweet. We aren't sure if you can hear yet, but we like to talk to you anyways. Your dad is truly one of a kind. He is a strong, smart, hilarious man.. and he is so excited to meet you. I try and picture a few years from now - me making dinner and hearing the two of you talk. I think he is going to make you laugh A LOT. This makes me so happy. I'm so excited to see the relationship you will have with him, because he is a lot of fun.

   You have been pretty kind to me during your stay in my belly. No morning sickness the first trimester, and even fatigue didn't set in for a while. I've been gaining a healthy amount of weight so far as well, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. My most prominent symptom has been me being extra emotional! Sometimes this is good (I can be sweet), sometimes it's strange (like crying all the way through 'Father of the Bride 2'), and sometimes it's bad (and I feel bad for you dad), but however it is, it is only temporary and what we get in return is so great. I feel so blessed that I get to share my body with you. Every week I update your daddy on your growth and little milestones you've reached (which I read online or in books), I do this so he gets to experience and connect with you right now as well, even though you haven't made it outside into the world yet. He is always excited to hear about you, and the crazy changes. For instance, you already have fingerprints! And if you have an itch, you scratch it! I enjoy talking about you with him. This gives me and him time to connect too.

8 weeks 5 days

   Food cravings have been minimal, but I can definitely name a few. Juice, Apples, Peanut butter and Jelly, Subway, and sometimes Pizza, are on the top of the list. Sometimes I have a random craving that usually can't fulfill, for example, last night I wanted an Oreo Blizzard from Dairy Queen, but I can't have those right now because we live in Germany (don't worry, by the time you are born we will be in Texas). I also haven't had Dairy Queen in years! The other day I wanted a root beer, and I don't even like root beer. Usually I don't have much of those types of cravings anyways, which is good because I don't want to eat completely unhealthy.
   The only other symptoms I've been experiencing with you is a crazy sleeping schedule and fatigue. I can fall asleep at 5pm for a quick nap and not wake up until 2am! Oops. I'm trying to adjust this so I'm sleeping at more normal times, but I'm also not fighting it if I'm about to doze off. I figure if I am tired I need the rest to help you grow healthy.
   Your dad and I are doing everything we can to make sure you are healthy and happy in there, and we will continue to do so for the rest of our lives. You are so important to us. I really hope you like us, I think we are pretty neat.
   We have been lucky enough to see you at every doctors appointment so far. The most recent one was the most amazing one yet, and they will only get better. At 12 weeks and 5 days (your most recent appointment), we saw almost every part of your body perfectly. We got to see your beautiful little legs and arms, hands and feet, and even your little face. The doctor was taking some measurements of you, and to get you to move, he shook the ultrasound stick a little bit. What happened after that was indescribable. You were moving all over the place! You wouldn't stop! I wish I could describe to you in words how amazing this was. You are a real little human inside my belly. I think you were trying to find another comfy position in there after the doctor prodded you, and I was a little sad he made you move... but I still soaked up every second of watching you wiggle around in there. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. It made me so happy I was literally laughing while watching you. Not because I thought it was funny, but because I think it was the only way my body new how to handle the intense amount of joy and excitement I was feeling. I wanted to cry. I can't wait until I can feel you move around in my belly. I'm surprised I can't now because you are the size of a lemon, or an adult fist! That is big for my belly.

12 weeks 5 days

   Although the only way to see you right now is through a fuzzy black and white screen, I already know you are the most beautiful and perfect little human that I know. I've heard a lot of moms say that the love you feel when you meet your child is like nothing you have ever felt before, well I think I have now experienced a small taste of what is to come, and I would have to agree. I can't wait to feel it all. I was having a bad day this past weekend, and after getting a glass of water and closing the refrigerator door, I glanced at your ultrasound picture that is on the door. Without even thinking I did a double take and looked over at it again, and the next thing I knew I was smiling. I was amazed at how much you could change my attitude so quickly. You are amazing. 

   I cannot wait until you are in my arms and I can hold you, and cuddle you, and tell you how much I love you. I promise you my love is unconditional, and you will never run out of hugs and kisses.

We love you SO much!

Love,
Your mommy